The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn…but to unlearn.
The last weekend of my yoga teacher training, over a week ago now, pushed some buttons deep inside me. We had started the class with a meditation on forgiveness that I simply let the tears roll down my face during.
I had just finished sharing with the group (every week we do a group share, where the group goes around and speaks to their experiences of the weeks past and something relating to the homework). When our fearless leader gave us a bad cop talk about where we are in this process of teacher training and needing to stay on task, recommit and stay focused. sharing with group leaves me in a intensely vulnerable state and hearing these words hit hard.
Certain wording in this talk, kicked me in the gut and sent me in to my car afterwards, crying with shame, frustration and remorse about my shortcomings in this program. I was ready to throw in the towel. If this was a 5 month job interview, no one would hire me…
My teacher had shared words previously with me, that I have been holding close to my heart:
“Maybe your practice right now is absorbing and experiencing rather than doing…. trusting that you’re getting the pieces you need right now, even if they are different than what you think (or thought coming in) you need. ”
I have been a intense schedule of family, work, work, work, and self care & my yoga practice were profoundly affected, along with the ability to do the weekly homework required.
Life has handed me challenges these last months that have not been conducive to intensive teacher training, but I think that yoga has prepared me to handle them.
I can’t say, “I’m sorry, but I can’t help you with the family business”. While your dad is in bed with a surgery that has had complications.
I can’t predict how the illnesses and deaths of people will affect me.
I can’t walk away from work right now, which I am supposed to be in the ‘slow’ season of, but instead find myself in the middle of a battle with the FDA on and an incredibly important trade show..
but i can continue to breathe, meditate, read, move in the ways that I have learned bring me introspection and peace in my body.
so these are the lessons, this is the homework. how do you handle what is already there ?
this is samtosa, our focus for this weeks homework.
(Samtosa- contentment,ease,going with the flow,acceptance. Root word “tush”meaning to be calm (and carry on 😉 ) to be pleased with anything or anyone. – mary pafford
This is the second rule of Niyama and stands for contentment. It also means accepting the truth ‘as it is’. Yoga sutra teaches us that instead of grieving or complaining about the things that have gone wrong, we should accept the truth and learn from it. It aims at helping a person attain a state of calm and happiness, irrespective of what is going on in the outer world.)
I am just learning to take care of myself. I am learning to be and accept without emotion attached to everything around me.
I got a anniversary message from my yoga studio last week that marked my year anniversary at the studio. It was a beautiful marker of time for me.
remembering where i was last year and where i am now. that is a gift
so today… whewww… still not a quitter.